Getting Real About Pornography



I fasted and prayed for twelve years, hoping that somehow the Lord would keep me from looking at porn. I wanted Him to keep me from being tempted. That didn't quite happen. I would have taken some kind of weird "I'm-stuck-to-the-floor-and-can't-move-to-look-at-porn-no-matter-how-much-I-want-to-but-know-I-shouldn't-and-I-would-if-I-could-but-I'm-stuck-to-the-floor" experience, something against my will, but that didn't happen either. I didn't get the impartation of holiness or a miracle verse that took my sexual struggle away. I was the most spiritual person that I knew, and yet I couldn't quit sinning no matter how immediate and sincere my repentance was, or how noble and pure my intentions were toward everyone around me.

"I didn't get the impartation of holiness or the miracle verse that took my sexual struggle away."

One month before I turned twenty-three, I found myself in a unique situation: I was sober enough to see that I was stuck, and, despite my pretensions, I needed some answers. I felt like my years of confused petitioning of the Lord culminated into the next season of my life. The Lord superseded my healing with His leading. I made myself a part of a group of guys who were serious about finding their purity and their freedom. They didn't do much that I thought they should (like pray and intercede); they just talked to each other. It was unbelievably uncomfortable. For the first six months, all I could talk about was how bad I messed up and the dirty things I was thinking. For the next six months, I talked about how I was afraid and how I'd been hurt.

"I was sober enough to see that I was stuck and I needed some answers."

After that, I started getting more powerful. I told people "no" when I wanted to say "no". I'd tell people when they hurt my feelings, and when I had a need that they could meet. After three years of that, I'm now somebody that I never thought I could be: someone in control of their emotions and sexuality. My sobriety is measured in months and years now instead of days or weeks, and my freedom is being measured in powerful decisions that I am learning to make.

-- Scott, 26, Kentucky