10 Lies We Believe About Sexual Purity
Amidst all the magazines, movies, and television telling us what sexy is these days, purity doesn't get a lot of air-time. When it does, it's not very positive to say the least. We wanted to help set the record straight. No matter what you've heard about it, sexual purity is one of the greatest things God has given us to steward. It's radical, counter-cultural, and walking it out means walking in true freedom. Here are ten lies we've seen people believe about sexual purity:
Lie #1: God is embarrassed about sex.
God invented sex, and He doesn't regret it. He didn't look away in shock or disgust the first time Adam and Eve came together in the garden. He doesn't tell married couples to avoid it unless they're procreating. God loves the way He designed a man and a woman to come together and feel connected and bonded like no other thing on earth allows them to connect. He designed it to be an expression of covenant love and for babies to be brought into the world this way.
Lie #2: Being curious about sex is wrong.
Curiosity is normal. It's not shameful or a sin to be curious about sex. The decision you have to make is how you're going to act on your curiosity. Find someone who has a great marriage to answer your questions about sex within the context of God's design for it. God sets up boundaries to protect us, and exploring sexuality by going outside of His design for sex is where we find ourselves in trouble. We have some great resources for learning about healthy sexuality here.
Lie #3: Purity is just for single people.
You don't just have to slide into your wedding night, virginity barely intact thinking, "Phew, I made it. I'm in the clear." God gives you a sex drive before you're married because you're still going to have to steward it inside of marriage. You are going to marry a human being with a schedule, needs, and other things that will mean you don't get to have sex every single time you want to. Being able to steward your sex drive will ensure that you can help your partner feel safe and respected and give you a more fruitful sex life in the long run.
Lie #4: God is disappointed when you are distracted by a good-looking man or woman.
God's not disappointed in you. It's in your design. If you have a desire to get married one day, that desire is not in you by accident. It's natural for you to pay attention when a good-looking man or woman walks by. We're not saying it's okay to look at someone in an objectifying or lustful way. There's a difference between looking at someone lustfully and admiring beauty. Attraction is one of the first steps to finding someone to spend your life with. Practicing self-awareness helps us know when attraction is tied to a need wanting to be met. In that case, it's important to make sure we get it met in a healthy way.
Lie #5: You shouldn't want to know anything about sex until you're married (except don't do it).
Not being educated about what healthy sexuality looks like hurts us more than it helps us. God wants us to know about sex and the intricate design He has for it. He wants us to experience it in the most beautiful way possible: inside a marriage covenant. This doesn't mean we dive into more than we're ready for or that we talk to our kids way above what is appropriate for their age level. It simply means that we set ourselves and our families up for success by learning how to walk out a healthy, whole lifestyle.
Lie #6: Being "inexperienced" is unattractive.
Do you know what is really attractive? Self-control. Think about it. Being able to steward your sex drive is an attractive quality. Being patient and respectful of the person you're in a relationship with is one of the most attractive things you can do. Otherwise, when you get married and you meet a handsome man or gorgeous woman who is not your spouse, what are you going to do? You have to be able to have self-control. You're going to have to go back to what you learned from walking out purity all those years before marriage.
Lie #7: You shouldn't have a sex-drive until your wedding night.
Oh if only we simply had no sex drive and then it magically appeared on our honeymoon night. Wouldn't that make things easier? Like it was mentioned before, God gives you a sex drive before you're married on purpose. He wanted you to learn how to steward it. He's not mad at you for having something He gave you. There's no shame in having a desire for sex. Getting your needs for intimacy, comfort, and connection met in a healthy way will help your desire for sex to calm down.
Lie #8: Once purity is lost, it can't be restored.
Believing this lie is believing that what Christ did at the cross was not enough and that it didn't cover everything. Colossians 1:21-22 says, "And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach—" We believe purity can be restored and walked out no matter what your past has been like. We've received countless emails from women who have experienced emotional, spiritual, and even physical restoration.
Lie #9: It's impossible to walk out purity your whole life.
We have access to sexual images and content like we've never had before. Casual sex seems like the norm in our culture. Even inside of the church we hear a lot of testimonies about people coming from rough pasts then turning their life around for Jesus. These testimonies are amazing, and we are thankful for the redemptive power of the cross, but it doesn't have to be this way for everyone. Your children and other young people you care about do not have to walk through a bunch of moral failures and hopefully be restored later. There are many people, even in this day in age, who walk in purity from the beginning to end of their life. The same grace that restores and redeems people is the grace that allows people to walk out purity their whole lives.
Lie #10: If you're struggling with a purity issue, you're always going to struggle.
You are dead to sin and alive in Christ (Romans 6:11). Whether you've been struggling with something for fifty days or fifty years, you can be free. It may not be easy, and it may take a lot of work, but it's possible. The first step is believing you can get to the point where you're completely free. Bring other people in, get help, take drastic measures, whatever it takes. Getting free is worth it.
The enemy loves to feed us lies about sex because he knows how valuable it is in its purest form. Part of having faith is believing God and what He says about things. If God invented sex, why would we go to any other source to find out how it works best? If any of these lies hit home for you, take a deep breath, and let God wash over you with the truth. He has a beautiful design, and He has only your best in mind.
Want more information about what healthy sexuality looks like? Check out our Let's Talk About It Curriculum.