Dear Team
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and he is a wonderful man. However I am giving him everything, but he is holding back on his end. I am sure that I love him. Should I tell him first? Should I wait for him to feel the same? How can I protect my vulnerable heart?

Team's Answer

I am proud of you for sharing your situation. Thank you for being vulnerable and asking for help. First of all, I would encourage you in times where things seem harder to take the opportunity to draw closer to God. This could be either by spending some time before God, in worship, prayer, in His presence, by reading the Bible. Ask the God to guide you through this season and reveal Himself to you like never before.

Then I would highly recommend that you talk with your boyfriend about your thoughts and concerns. To have a successful conversation and great tools for your relationship in the future, here are a few steps to consider:

1) Feel powerful
It is important that in any relationship but especially in a dating relationship you feel powerful and heard. We were created to be powerful decision makers in our relationships. Powerful people not only take responsibility for today, but also for tomorrow, while powerless people are victims who give other people the credit for being powerful rather than themselves. It is important that you feel powerful in the relationship without overpowering him. As a woman in the relationship, you need to give him the space to lead as a man.

2) Communicate
As a powerful person, you can communicate how you are feeling in a relationship without trying to control the other person but rather make them aware of how they are affecting you. It is then up to the other person to change the way they are affecting. The goal in your relationship would have to be to cherish each other’s heart and help the other person to become the best version of themselves. Learn more about how to communicate in a loving and honoring way.

3) Spend time with God and people
I encourage you to communicate how you are feeling in the relationship with your boyfriend. Before you share your thoughts and concerns with him, spend some time with God and be aware of going with peace and love to your boyfriend when you communicate with him. Share with friends, spiritual parents or a mentor what you want to share and let them give you feedback. Then communicate with your boyfriend in a moment where the two of you are in a good place to be open to share something deeper. Communicate that it isn’t something easy for you to share but that it is really important to you.

Resources:
Defining the relationship by Danny Silk: there is a teaching series (http://store.ibethel.org/p4951/defining-the-relationship-new-edition) and then a workbook (http://www.amazon.com/Defining-Relationship-Course-Considering-Marriage/dp/0983389500/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318452267&sr=8-1). This is an incredible tool to help couples examine the exciting yet unknown path they will travel together and help them carefully consider the strength of their relationship. I would especially recommend the communication dance and the seven pillars of a healthy relationship.

True Connection Through Brave Communication by Dann Farrelly (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nCtSBwkUJ8): here is a video describing how to communicate the best way possible how another person is making you feel.

Brave communication by Dann Farrelly (http://store.ibethel.org/p1992/brave-communication): this is a great tool, which will empower you with a new mindset and practical skills that enhance your everyday in-the-moment connection.

Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating work http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dating-Making-Work/dp/0310200342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318530852&sr=8-1 by Henry cloud and John Townsend: This is a great book to learn to set boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control.

The truth is that he might love you as well, but not be aware that it is important to you to know it. For a woman it is important to feel loved & cherished. If you are not communicating with him though that you would feel more valued if he shares with you his feelings, he might never know how he is affecting you. I am confident that you will learn a lot through this process, which will not only be useful right now, but for your future. Embrace the process!